100 Ways to Say Goodbye

I’m French and do some voluntary work with an undertaker who has a holistic approach to funeral care. Recently, she suggested I translate a funeral service to be held for Thomas, as his French relatives would be arriving in England from overseas. 

Thomas’ parents, despite the barrier of the language and the long journey from France, did appreciate the tradition of a British send off for their son. On the day, they park their car, surrounded by the calm natural beauty of an English cemetery, and are touched by the many familiar French names on the gravestones. Attending their son’s funeral is a chance to get a final sense of why he chose to settle here.

Thomas’ wish was to have an eco funeral with flowers grown sustainably.  It inspired his relatives to choose a goodbye gift from their home: the family’s beloved spider plant. 

A pre-ceremony meeting is also arranged by the undertaker. I translate the words of Ben, Thomas’s 17 year old English-speaking son, and those of his French grandparents, uncles and cousins.

It becomes a beautiful little moment, which reminds me of why I volunteer for a death positivity advocate: watching them all getting to know each other through caring questions, reminiscences and a few warm hugs. A bond emerges, free from the past. The seed of a future visit is planted. The spider plant is to be looked after by Ben. 

At the end of the day, the French family leaves. Ben seems mostly relieved. But, alongside his grief, something is not sitting well with him. He opens up and shares the sadness of not having his mother with him, at the request of Thomas, following their separation.

Having translated Ben’s words all day, I take a deep breath and tell him a thing I learned volunteering at funerals:

“In your mind, your parents’ relationship can still evolve. You and your mum could say goodbye together, if, one day, you thought your dad was at peace with it. There are a hundred ways to say goodbye. Today may just be one of them. ”

The young man’s face lit up. It might not be final between his dad and the rest of his family. He sees a “future” and that takes a lot of pressure off the day that he has tried to get through. 

He can imagine another way to say goodbye, when he’s ready. 

Marion Déprez is artistic director of Brass Bathtub Community Arts company.

Everybody is welcome to Brass Bathtub Online Death Café and to their free workshops about creating your own funeral celebration: https://brassbathtub.com/getinvolved