Writing a Eulogy

Writing and delivering a speech is a stressful event at the best of times – when it is a eulogy, given at a funeral or end-of-life ceremony, it may, quite likely, come under the heading of the worst of times. The time frame and circumstances of this speech make the task far from ideal – especially if the death is sudden or unexpected.

Presentation

Standing up at an end-of-life celebration and talking about the person whose life has ended is about as emotional as it gets, and, although it is natural to show some emotion, it is understandable, albeit uncomfortable, to see someone breakdown in tears, unable to continue to speak. If there is a real likelihood of this happening, it may be advisable to have someone who has a copy of the speech standing by to take over if necessary.

The days of wearing black or sombre clothing are, for the most part, no longer de rigueur, and some family mourners request that specific colours be worn but, whatever the colour code, smart casual is usually safe bet.

How long should the eulogy be?

Around 500 to 1,000 words is plenty; this will take about four to seven minutes to read. A eulogy of this length is long enough for most funerals, especially if others are also taking the opportunity to speak.

Who should give a eulogy?

This is very much the decision of the family of the person who has died. It is typically given by a close family member, friend, or minister. There’s no reason why two people cannot deliver the eulogy, or, in some cases, it may be more. In which case it is important to keep each speech to approximately 500 words.

What should a eulogy contain?

The first step is for the person giving the eulogy to introduce him/herself, even if they are known to most of the people in the audience. They could give a few words describing their relationship to the person who has died and, if not related, when and where the meeting first occurred.

Some people’s lives are ripe for the telling with a plethora of anecdotes lined up, just waiting to be included – but this is not always the case and writing a eulogy can be very challenging. A short poem (there are various examples on the internet) is always appropriate, and a useful filler in such cases.

The tone of the eulogy is usually determined by the way the person died. For example, if you’re giving a eulogy about a teenager who met an untimely death, the tone would obviously be very different to a eulogy for a great grandparent who lived to receive a telegram from The Queen.

A eulogy should knit together the different parts of a person’s life, highlighting positive, quirky, and interesting areas, and glossing over the less positive. Every life has its highs and lows, and there is no harm in stating that although X’s life sometimes took a controversial path or had its ups and downs…

If possible, ask a variety of people about their memories of the person, or any particularly humorous or interesting facts about them. The childhood and schooling of a person who has lived a long life is not necessarily relevant or worth spending precious time on – unless it was particularly interesting or bore distinct relevance to their future.

‘X was told by his headmaster that he would never amount to anything, and he was determined to prove everyone wrong, which, as we all know, he did – spectacularly.’

Mention achievements and awards, unusual, or amusing things that happened. Use specific examples to highlight what really mattered to the person, bringing them back to life and giving the mourners something by which to remember them.

Here are a few examples:

‘When X retired, he bought a small fishing boat, and I’ve been told that the days spent on the river with a carefully prepared picnic, are the most precious memories that his grandchildren have of him’

‘X was a passionate dog lover and volunteered at the local rescue centre. She was rarely seen out without at least one dog in tow.’

‘When she retired, X used her gift for baking and made birthday cakes for the residents and staff of the local nursing home, refusing to accept any payment in spite of living on a tight budget ’

Mention siblings, children, grandchildren, but try to avoid the clichéd ‘beloved’. ‘Much loved’ or ‘adored’ convey the same depth of meaning, without using the standard, overused cliché.

Humour

Avoid slightly off-colour stories, however amusing they seemed at the time. You and the person who died may have shared some ‘in jokes’, but remember the saying, ‘You needed to be there’ – not everything is as humorous in the recounting as it was at the time! Whilst there might be a place for humour, an amusing appropriate anecdote about the person will often be more welcome.

‘X detested cooking so much that she used her oven as storage and her kitchen cupboards were filled by her eclectic collection of handbags!’

Finally, a eulogy is not a race, and those in the audience will want to hear what you have to say. Bear in mind that, at the end of the day, no-one will be expecting you to make a brilliant speech; what makes for a great eulogy is the clear message that this person’s life was memorable, and that they were appreciated and loved. If you can deliver this message by using a mixture of relevant stories and anecdotes, you will have done your job well.