Why sharing end of life wishes is the most precious gift

Through her work as a Civil Celebrant, our Aura Angel, Kim Greenacre, has come to realise that it’s not impossible to tackle the common fear of death. Here, she tells us how families she has helped in her time as a Civil Celebrant have been comforted in their grief from their loved ones sharing end of life wishes, and the real benefits of preplanning a funeral…

“It was Benjamin Franklin who said: ‘In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes’ and, whilst there are people out there who make some nifty manoeuvres to avoid the taxes, immortality remains rooted in mythology.

“It’s quite strange, therefore, that even though we know that none of us are getting out of here alive, most of us share a reluctance to consider death as part of life. For some, it is the fear of actually dying. Let’s face it, if we are still breathing in and out, we know little about the intimate process of passing from this life.

“Our subconscious also kicks in whenever we hear the ‘D’ word — survival is, after all, its sole purpose — so why wouldn’t it prod us to steer clear whenever someone starts to talk about our mortality?

“If those two weren’t enough, when thinking about our own demise, the real ‘kicker’ is love. Concern for our nearest and dearest triggers an even greater fear and many of us, when considering the day we will cease to be, agonise over one simple question: What will happen to my partner; my children; my elderly parents or my best friend if I am not here for them?

“So, with cognitive process, the survival instinct and emotion all seemingly against the idea of us accepting what is inevitable, are we simply stuck with a fear-based avoidance of death, or can we do something about it?

“It begins with a gentle shift of focus.  As soon as we stop worrying about what death will take from us and concentrate on what we can give to those we love when our time comes, the fear recedes. That may sound too simple, glib even, but it is a truth I have witnessed many times over. 

“The first time I saw it I was unsure. It seemed odd — a small glint of hope in the tear-filled eye of a recently bereaved client. Five minutes into our conversation, I began to understand. ‘I found this in Mum’s things.’  An A4 sheet of paper, covered in blue biro, was thrust into my hands. ‘We never ever spoke about it. You know, what she wanted and everything, but my lovely Mum had it sorted. She has let me know exactly what she wants.’

“At that moment, clarity bloomed. The eyes opposite me smiled briefly before tears came again but I knew that this young lady, whilst facing the unthinkable, had received a gift.

"It was a gift that had cost nothing except the time her Mum had set aside to write it. Yet its value was infinite.

“It was a gift that overcame the worst of all fears and along with its quiet requests, confirmed that not even death could prevent a mum making life better for her child.

“Following that first face-to-face encounter with the life-affirming power that accompanies sharing end of life wishes, I had an inkling. It was based on the understanding that premeditated thoughtfulness was more emotionally valuable than the bequests that are normally noted in formal wills and testaments. 

“This was proven to be true over and over again. So much so, that my inkling morphed into certainty. Every time I met a family to discuss how the life of their loved one should be celebrated, those who had received the gift of final wishes, had that same glint of hope. Others actually beamed with outright relief. The certainty that they would “get it right” shone a reassuring light that guided them through the darkest of days. 

“Some wishes were handed to me on tiny scraps of paper — creased and faded by the years spent tucked in the drawer of an old dresser —the hand-written instructions faint, but still legible. Others were typed and ordered — produced quite recently and created by authors who overcame the fear of the moment they would cease to be with generosity. Their desire to prevent the burden of decision-making adding to the inescapable heartache their loved ones would experience was strong enough to galvanise them into action despite not knowing when such instructions would be needed. 

“Several wishes were voice-memos; six were video recordings and one rather memorable collection of wishes was noted on a much-loved selection of saucy, seaside postcards. These cards not only provided the next of kin with a list of music and the brand of beer that was to be consumed post-cremation, the cards also included the instruction: ‘all eight of these cards are to be displayed on screen ( funny side up) during the ceremony at the crematorium, so that my favourite people can laugh with me one last time.’

“Another, written in the twelve year-old hand of a terminally ill boy, was brief:    ‘Whatever happens, open any Harry Potter book and you will know what to do. Start with HP and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Don’t cry. Remember what JKR said: ‘To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.’

PS. If you need me, look up, I’ll be playing quidditch.’

“Although I am acutely aware that these wishes did not lessen the weight of grief each family endured, the comfort and strength these missives provided was always wonderfully evident. Their gratitude, on the day they whispered farewell, even more so.

“For me, one of the finest elements of being a celebrant is the privilege of watching as these, the last and most precious of all gifts, are unwrapped.”

The Aura Circle is a free platform that helps you with sharing end of life wishes with your loved ones. You can create your own life story, let your loved ones know where you’d like your ashes scattered or even schedule a message to send to your loved ones at a later date. To join the Aura Circle for free, just click here.