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Two Together: Save £100!
Save £100 when you purchase two funeral plans together. Call us for more details.
Buy now, pay in January
Buy your funeral plan today and pay in January for peace of mind this Christmas. Click here for full T&Cs.
15 minute read
One of the things in life most likely to make us anxious, whether or not it relates to the death of someone close to us, is the question of how to break bad news. Depending on who we need to talk to (whether our parents, our boss, or our children, our approach will be subtly different), we’ll need to call on a range of different social skills to do it effectively.
As a funeral provider, we understand that coping with bad news can be difficult, so we wanted to put together an article that answers this question. We want to help you feel more prepared and confident when delivering some bad news about death to friends, family, colleagues, or to children.
Sharing something difficult with others is a challenging experience for anyone. We need to judge the right time to share the news, our tone of voice, and the words we want to use. If done in the right way, this difficult situation can also be an opportunity to reinforce the strength of our personal relationships, and to forge deeper connections with those around us.
Before you begin to speak (or write, as the case may be), it’s vital that you consider who you are about to communicate with, and whether or not the time is right for them to hear the news. Remember also that, whilst we may be seeking relief from the burden of the news, it may not always be more important than informing another person of it in the right way. Try to keep in mind how you yourself would want to be informed of what you are about to reveal; this should help you to better judge when and how to do it.
There are different ways to break bad news depending on the circumstances. Where the bad news is especially serious, such as a recent or unexpected death, or the ending of a decades’ long marriage, then you’ll want to make sure that you break it in person to the people most deeply affected. While it may be easier and less uncomfortable for you to simply send a text message, try to avoid being tempted; having life-changing news broken to you in such an impersonal and trivial way is likely to stick in the memory of the recipient for the rest of their life.
Announcing a death to friends and family should always be done in person, if possible, but you may need to do it via phone or video call instead. You may also need to make a written death announcement, if more than one person at once should be notified.
The main thing to remember, depending on the situation, is to break the news in a concise way that informs the listener / reader quickly of the circumstances.
Lay out the facts in a respectful, unambiguous and brief way, and the recipient will be grateful to you, even if at first they’re shocked and overwhelmed by emotion.
When imparting bad news in person, there are specific advantages and disadvantages. The combination of your body language, the sound of your voice, facial expressions, and the chance to lay a comforting hand on the recipient of the news can all combine together to make the moment emotionally impactful in a way that a written message can’t be. But, of course, the stakes will feel higher: you may feel as if you personally are about to inflict pain upon the people you’re informing; you may feel very nervous, or inadequate in the face of the gravity of the message; and you may worry about saying the wrong thing.
The important thing to remember is that, when talking about death and dying, it’s okay to be emotional. Ground and steady yourself by feeling your feet on the floor, and by taking a deep breath. As long as you do this, remain concise and respectful, and pick your moment well, you should be just fine.
Breaking bad news in writing also offers certain advantages: You can fully control who sees the message, as you can set the post-viewers or recipient list, if it’s online or via email. You can take your time in choosing your words, possibly leading to a more meaningful message. And the recipient can keep and refer back to them, which some people find helpful when processing bad news.
If writing, make sure you’ve secured the permission of anyone you think is relevant, especially if you intend to post it publicly or online. Also remember to spell-check and proofread the message; any grammar errors or typos could be especially embarrassing to you or upsetting to the reader depending on the seriousness of the news. This would also apply when writing a eulogy.
In announcing any bad news publicly, whether in writing, or via a video-post online, always ask yourself first whether you’re the most appropriate person to be doing it, and whether it’s necessary to share the details in the public domain.
How we break bad news will depend largely on the kind of news we’re breaking, and its recipient. The age, level of mental cognition, and our relationship to that person (are we friends, family, or colleagues?), will influence the way we go about it too.
Breaking bad news about a death is perhaps the hardest form of news to share with anyone. The experience is likely to make both us and those we’re speaking to emotional, with everyone responding to this kind of news differently. Some people can get angry, others can turn inwards and become unresponsive, while others still will get extremely upset. This is all completely normal.
Remember to do it in person, if you can, and to pick your moment well. Make sure it’s an appropriate time and setting for the one you’re telling, such as at home during the day, with no distractions like television or radio. Stick to the facts, keep it accurate, respectful and concise, and, once the news is imparted and they’ve had a moment to absorb it, make sure they’ve understood what you’ve said by asking questions to confirm. Let them know you’re there for them if they need you.
For how to break bad news about illness, much of the same advice applies as in breaking bad news about death. The main difference is that, where with a death the circumstances are final and there isn’t a possibility for things to change or improve, with an illness the situation could possibly change. It could deteriorate, but equally it could improve.
Your listener / reader might follow up with relevant questions, such as about the prognosis, the likely causes of the illness, or the chances of a recovery. Of course, you may not be a doctor, so don’t feel pressure to come up with an answer you don’t feel qualified to give, but if you’re able to find out answers to such questions yourself before speaking to those affected, it might be a good idea to do so. It’s also helpful to bear in mind that, while an illness may not be as bad as death, the news you’re sharing could be just as, if not more, upsetting to the recipient depending on the circumstances.
We can also worry if we are the ones who are facing a serious illness, or are dying, especially about the best way to broach this subject with relatives and friends. Broaching the subjects of death and illness with our own family can be very difficult, because there might be tension between certain family members getting in the way of what we want to say; there may be religious differences; or we may have things we need to get off our chest while we still can. The services of a good death doula can help people to express themselves, and create a peaceful and productive environment for such conversation.
Our partner is the one we’ve probably shared the most with in life, and who knows us best of all. We’ve built a life together, and maybe even raised a family. It can feel especially hard to inform our significant other of bad news, especially as we’re normally the one who’d help them to get through a difficult situation, and vice versa.
There’s a right way and a wrong way to break bad news to your partner – especially if that news is about you – and the right way is also the hard way. The trick with it is to make sure that they have the space they need to process things themselves away from you later, which can be tricky when you live together. It’s also important not to tell them how to feel in response to the news, especially if it’s about you.
Let them know that you’re there for them, just as you always have been, and try to create the space they need to express themselves about it however feels best to them.
There may be a number of situations in which you need to break some bad news to your parent(s), and, depending on their age and mental health condition, this could be even more difficult than usual; it could even need to be done repeatedly. It can be especially difficult if you need to let them know about a serious illness or impending death that relates to you (or even to them), regardless of whether they might have any age-related mental health conditions, like dementia.
It might be the case that your parents are living together, in which case you should wait until you can tell them both at the same time in person, as long as it doesn’t cause a long delay. If they’re both together, they’ll be able to comfort one another, and to process the news as one. If either of your parents live alone, and you feel it’s appropriate, you could ask another family member to come with you and stay with them for a while after the news has been shared, to prevent them from being alone in the immediate aftermath. Where relevant, Dementia UK has some useful guidelines on how to break difficult news to someone with dementia.
Anxiety can make it even harder than usual to process bad news. If you need to inform someone with anxiety of something difficult, it can help to bear these general points about anxiety in mind:
In general, everything relating to choosing where, when and how to break such news is intensified when the recipient has anxiety, so take extra care when considering this. In particular you’ll want to avoid bringing the subject up and causing delay, such as by sending a preliminary message about bad news without any of the details. This will only cause the person to worry far more and for far longer than necessary.
Telling your boss some bad news that relates to your personal life can feel like you’re bothering them unnecessarily, but, depending on what it is, it could be vital that you let them know. Very serious news about illness and death, whether relating to you or your close family, is likely to have an ever bigger impact on your ability to remain productive at work, so it’s in your best interests to provide some context ahead of time should this start to happen.
Your boss should want to support you and do everything they can to help you through the difficulty you’re facing, so opening up about it with them will hopefully lead to a positive change in your working conditions, as well as the feeling of reassurance you’ll get from knowing that your employer is looking out for your mental health.
With that said, it’s good sense to pick the right time; ask for the chance to speak privately, and make sure that you at least attempt to have the conversation face-to-face. You should also try to broach the subject with them in good time, rather than letting them hear it through the grapevine from someone else. This guidance would also apply when there has been a bereavement in the workplace, although in this case it’s likely to be even more urgent.
We can often make the assumption that children are totally unable to process (or that they should be completely spared from) difficult news. But this may not always be the case. It’s important, as in any subject that will impact their lives, to be as open and honest as is appropriate with children should you need to tell them something upsetting.
Children are more likely than adults to ask you questions of a practical nature. For example, if you need to explain to them that a family member has a terminal illness, they might ask you what that illness is or what it does to the body of the person who has it. Similarly, if you need to tell them about the recent death of a loved one, they might inquire about practical things such as what is inside a coffin, or what happens to the body of a dead person.
It’s very important to let them ask these questions; we as adults may have learned not to ask or talk about death, but if you can show children that it’s perfectly normal to discuss these things, they’ll more easily process what’s going on, and will feel more able to open up to you about such things in the future.
By doing the following, you can help yourself to get over the fear of breaking bad news:
Breaking bad news is never a pleasant thing to do, and, no matter how well you prepare, it’s always bound to feel a bit difficult, and to be an emotional conversation.
We hope that this has been a useful article for you. We understand that, if you’re looking for guidance on how to break bad news, then you might have recently lost someone close to you, or you might be thinking about how to prepare for your own funeral in the future.
Aura offers a low-cost, modern alternative to the traditional funeral through our top-rated direct cremation services. These services are available to those who need our support at short notice, and we also provide prepaid funeral plans for those looking to the future. In both cases, throughout the planning process, our wonderful, compassionate Aura Angel team will be assisting you or your family throughout.
Should you feel you need it, aside from their guidance on practical matters and the paperwork, they can also support you through some of the difficult conversations we’ve discussed in this article. They’re always available on the phone should you need them, and we’re ready to answer any questions you might have.
