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14 minute read
How to say goodbye to a dying loved one is something that all of us will have to ask ourselves at some point in life, and it can be one of the most challenging (yet rewarding) things that we can ever do. How we say goodbye to them will depend on what our relationship is, as well as the reason that they are dying; it may require a lot of courage to do. We wanted to put together this article to offer some general support on how to say goodbye.
We’d also just like to say that, if the reason you’re reading this article is that you’re facing the prospect of losing someone dear to you in the near future, or if you are approaching the end of your own life, we empathise with the difficulty of your situation. If you feel you may soon need to arrange a funeral for someone, we are there to help you. Aura is the UK’s top-rated ‘Cremation Services’ provider on Trustpilot, with 4.9/5 stars. We offer our compassionate funerals to those in need now, as well as to those looking for a prepaid funeral plan for the future. You can find our number at the bottom of this article, should you need anything; we’re there to listen.
Saying goodbye to someone dear to us who is dying can help us to cope with their loss. It can even be an important part of honouring a loved one with a meaningful celebration of life.
Saying goodbye in the right way, at the right time, can help us to close the loop with the most significant people in our lives. It can be a great act of healing and closure, allowing us to start deep and meaningful conversations with our loved ones; not just by talking about death and dying, but by helping to soothe tensions in our families, and put the past behind us.
When emotions are running high, it can be hard to find the right words; we may feel inadequate in the face of the serious task before us, but to those we leave behind it can be something that they will remember for the rest of their lives. Likewise, saying goodbye to a loved one who is dying can bring peace and serenity to the end of their life, which is one of the greatest and most merciful gifts that we can ever bestow.
It can be hard to know how to say goodbye to someone who is dying. We worry about how to open up conversations about dying without upsetting them, and about how to make sure they really know we’re there for them. Sometimes we wonder where to find the courage to broach the subject.
Sometimes we get too wrapped up in the words we should be using, but remember that even just being near a loved one who is dying can be a great source of comfort to them. Squeezing their hand, stroking their arm, and intimate physical gestures like a kiss or an embrace can mean the world to them when we might both be lost for words. Our physical presence alone, especially in the moment of death itself, can reassure our loved one when they might be confused and afraid.
What we might say to those who are dying can change depending on our relationship with them, and how they are dying. It may also depend on what stage of life they are at; our approach will change if they are young or old. When it’s a parent who might be dying, it can be incredibly uplifting to thank them for everything they’ve done for us in life. We might also want to let them know that what they’ve taught us will stand us in good stead for when they are no longer here, and to reassure them that we and our family will support each other through the grief of losing them.
It can also be a powerfully opportune moment to ask or offer forgiveness if there is tension between loved ones. The finality of what is about to happen can focus our thoughts onto what matters in life, and many want to avoid either dying or losing a loved one with things left unsaid or with regret inside. It can also be greatly comforting to reminisce over comforting memories that you share with the person who is dying, helping them to enter a reflective and accepting mood that can lead them to confront the fact of death.
It’s completely understandable that, when faced with the situation of saying goodbye to a loved one or friend who is dying, you don’t know what to say. We may feel a sense of paralysis, worrying about how it looks if we don’t say anything, but also wary of feeling compelled by pressure to speak, only to say the wrong thing. If you don’t know what to say, you can always fall back on some of the following:
Honesty is often the best policy, and simply saying something like this could start a more meaningful conversation. If you know the importance of saying goodbye to a dying relative, but feel you need some support to get things moving, you could try the services of a good death doula. They are experts at facilitating conversations about dying, and can really work to establish an open, safe space within a family for discussing death, religious matters, and even legacies and memorials.
It can be especially tricky to say goodbye to a friend who is dying of cancer or another terminal illness. It can help to write things down, and offer comfort through shared memories and experiences.
Your friend has been there with you through thick and thin, and it can feel just as upsetting, if not more, to lose them than it would some family members. There could also be a difficult emotional dynamic to navigate; if they feel that they are dying unfairly of a terminal illness like cancer whilst you ‘get’ to live on, they may feel jealousy or resentment, which can make it harder to say goodbye.
Everyone responds differently to the news that they are dying. The most important thing in this scenario is your friend’s happiness. You might feel like it’s harmful to overlook the reality of the situation, but maybe they’re already hearing that from everyone else, and they need you to help them be in a different headspace. Failing to recognise what your friend is looking for could risk upsetting them needlessly before they die, so try to judge what kind of support they want, using your understanding of the situation and your own close knowledge of their personality.
Focus on listening; giving them space; the love between you; your shared experiences together; the strength of your connection; and comforting memories. This approach can provide a way into deeper conversations about dying and about acceptance of the situation. Much like with a family member, let them know how much their friendship has meant to you in your life, and thank them for being there for you.
Many people find that it’s easier and more impactful to write a message to their dying friend. It also allows people who cannot be there in person to express themselves. Much as with breaking bad news or announcing a death to a friend, saying goodbye in writing means we can express all of the things we’d want to say to our friend in person, but with more control over the final wording of the message.
Many people feel that they can more honestly express themselves this way without the pressure of a face-to-face interaction. And it can be a useful safety-net for people who would use it to read aloud in person, to stop them from going off the point or getting overwhelmed. Their friend can then keep the letter with them after they die, when they get cremated or buried, or their family can keep it as a source of comfort.
In writing a goodbye message to a friend who is dying, you might want to bring them back to the moment when you first met, and lead them through all of the most important moments you’ve shared together, helping them to understand how much the connection between you has meant and will continue to mean. Let them know the things you admire about them, and that you wish that life could have had a different end. Finish the letter on a positive note, explaining to them how you are going to take the lessons and values of your friendship forward into the rest of your life, and how you will never forget the person they are.
Bidding farewell effectively to a loved one who is dying can have a lasting impact on your life, and on the lives of others who’ve lost them. Try to create the conditions for a peaceful goodbye that allows them to pass away without regret.
As this is one of the most important conversations you’re ever likely to have, you’ll want to make sure that you pick the right time. Wait for a moment of peace, when the surroundings are quiet and when you can be alone together, if at all possible, as this will allow the conversation to be conducted with dignity. You’ll also be able to focus more on what you want to say, and to make sure that you’re both able to listen and think properly in response. It may be that you have sensitive things you’d like to ask or say, in which case, it would be important to consider the dignity and privacy of your loved one. In this way, you can be sure that your conversation can bring comfort to both of you.
There are ways to make such a conversation special, too. You could start a special ritual together related to your relationship which can become an important part of remembering your loved one going forward. As part of a goodbye conversation, you could also help your loved one to share their life story. Again, this can work to bring comfort to you, by keeping their memory alive, and to them by helping them to look back on their own life with a sense of satisfaction.
Many people view a goodbye conversation with a loved one as an opportunity to gain closure about things that might have happened between them in life. This can be mutually beneficial, giving the one who is dying the chance to die in peace without regret or unresolved business, and giving those they’ve left behind the opportunity to turn the page and move forward with the rest of their lives.
The most important quality to exemplify is honesty. If you’re asking for forgiveness or seeking acknowledgement of something from the one who is dying, it’s important to be upfront about what you want and why. The other person will appreciate the honesty, and will give you the best chance of avoiding the situation of starting such a conversation only to end up skirting around what you really want to say.
Coping with grief, such as after the death of a parent or other loved one, can be incredibly difficult. Grief is something that is multilayered, and can take many years to adjust to, with some people never getting over the loss of a loved one. There are a few things you can do to make things easier for yourself.
Memories of the one you’ve lost can provide comfort and solace to you in life, especially in big moments. For instance, remembering what your parents might have told you in life before a job interview is something practical and comforting you can draw upon again in the future when the need arises.
Today, there are ever more creative ways to remember those we’ve lost. More and more of us like to have an end-of-life celebration for our loved ones, particularly if they had a direct cremation without a funeral service. Such a farewell allows people to gather once they’re over the initial shock of a bereavement, which many find to be more helpful for positively reflecting and reminiscing. Such celebrations can be rigorously tailored around the relationships, life story, passions and interests of the one who has died, making it potentially more meaningful than a traditional funeral, and more uplifting.
People even like to come up with creative cremation ashes ideas today, converting the remains of their loved ones into keepsakes such as jewellery, household ornaments, ashes fireworks (like what Aura’s founder, Paul Jameson, wants for his own ashes) and even cremation tattoos.
Whilst solitude is an important part of the grieving process, along with allowing yourself to be vulnerable to your emotions, spending too much time alone can end up leaving you very isolated. Lots of bereavement support is available to you via different avenues, should you be grieving the loss of a loved one.
Make sure to talk to friends and family, if possible, particularly if they are also grieving the loss of the same person you are; collectively grieving and reminiscing can be a life-giving and healing experience. Whether or not talking to friends and family is an option for you, you could also join local death cafes which put you in touch with other people near you who are grieving; many people find the collective anonymity of this option something that allows them to grieve more effectively. There are also mental-health services available on the NHS, as well as private therapy options, if you’d prefer to speak to someone in a more structured and formal setting.
We hope that you’ve found this article useful and comforting. If any questions have arisen through what we’ve written, whether about coping with grief generally, opening up conversations about death with your family, or how to say goodbye to a dying loved one, we are here to help you and point you in the right direction.
At Aura, we pride ourselves on the compassion, patience and kindness of our service. Our unattended and attended direct cremation services are available to both those who need our help now, and those looking to the future with a prepaid funeral plan. In each case, it’s our wonderful Aura Angel team who’ll be there to guide you or your family through the difficult experience of funeral arranging for a loved one. They’re not only expert funeral arrangers, but can lend you an ear if you need to talk about what you’re going through. We’re there for you on the phone, whenever you’re ready.
We’re a family-run company, founded by Paul Jameson in 2019 after he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease. He wanted to set up a company that could help families in the UK to benefit from his own journey with end-of-life planning and his confrontation with his own mortality. He runs the company today alongside his son, David (our CEO), and a family friend called Ben (our COO). Our mission is to provide a service quality that never drops below what Paul would want for his own family. We’re also the UK’s top-rated provider of ‘cremation services’ on Trustpilot, with a score of 4.9/5 stars.
