How to Stay Connected and Support Loved Ones from Afar

Eckhart Tolle has famously been quoted as saying, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” When my father fell ill on 11^th March 2020, the exact same day the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a global pandemic, I was challenged to embrace this sentiment, willing or not. 

My father was admitted to hospital and I felt helpless. He needed help with basic things, and who was going to support him? I hated the thought of him being on his own for long periods at a time; he was so social and would miss us, I was sure. 

There is no doubt the pandemic has profoundly affected us all. Those who have been forced to socially distance whilst still caring for their ill or ageing loved ones face an even bigger challenge. Feelings of anxiety and concern over our loved ones’ care when we can’t be by their bedside is only natural. But here we are. We must accept it and find ways to cope. 

Our medical staff and front-line workers are fantastic and have gone above and beyond their roles and responsibilities to ensure those in their care are being looked after. I was so grateful to the dedicated nurses and aids who took time out of their rotations to help my father dial our phone number, just so we could say hi and tell him we were right there with him in spirit, even if we couldn’t visit. 

Having experienced these feelings firsthand, I wanted to share some ideas that might help you bridge the separation, despite the physical distance. And in the spirit of accepting where we are, create a sense of peace and connection.

Firstly, determine your loved one’s circle of support. Is your loved one in a hospital or care home? If so, write down the details of the ward, room number, phone number and name of the team looking after your loved one. Speak to them and find out the best time of day to call. There will be peaks and troughs of when the care team will have the capacity to arrange a call with you / your loved one. Be patient. Have compassion for the care team, it is hard on them too.

Establish who will be the primary family contact with the care team. Be aware that due to confidentiality agreements, the care team will only be able to give out information to the patient’s legal health representative, or those who have patient permission. Choose one person to speak to the care team, and that person can then share the information with your loved one’s family and friends.

Ensure the care team has a copy of your loved one’s Advance Care Plan. This can be recorded, stored and shared on Aura. If you don’t have an Advance Care Plan, you can find resources online to help, or request the support of an End of Life Doula to create one.Plan how you and your loved one will stay in contact. Do they have a phone by their bedside? Are they capable of using it on their own? Do they need support from the care team to facilitate the calls? Will your loved one have a smart phone or tablet at their disposal? Make sure they have their charger and request the care team to ensure the device is charged nightly so you can keep in touch.

Find out who lives nearby who may be willing to support if your loved one is still living on their own. If you cannot be physically present, find someone who can help running errands, dropping off groceries, or engaging in a doorstop hello from time to time. Appoint them as your loved one’s Care Champion. Ensure your loved one knows their Care Champion would be the person they should call if they need help in an emergency. If you don’t know anyone, find out if there is an End of Life Doula in their area who can fulfil this role.

Check in with the Care Champion periodically too. Your loved one may be putting on a brave face over the phone, or they may not be sharing the whole story of how they are really doing. In an effort not to burden their family or friends, your loved one may say they are just fine on their own. Checking in with their Care Champion will give you a fuller picture of what is going on.

With the essentials taken care of, try to create as much of a presence as possible with your loved one.

Communicate regularly. Ring, text, email, video call, write a letter. Plan reminders in your diary or phone so you continue to reach out daily, weekly, monthly. You can also use Aura’s Messages feature to exchange heartfelt messages. When showing support to loved ones who are far away, consistency is key. 

Establish a routine. Create time for a digital check in at a certain time of day. Knowing when you will call your loved one will ensure they keep that time free to connect with you and won’t be tied up doing other things. 

Plan something fun. Organise a virtual meet up. Cook together, visit a virtual museum, watch a film together. This encourages conversation instead of chatting about the doldrums of lockdown life.

Organise meals. Have groceries delivered. Choose foods they can eat with little preparation like fresh bread, soup, and fresh fruit or vegetables. Organise a takeaway on a Friday night. Call the restaurant directly or use an app like Deliveroo or Just Eat. Or arrange for their Care Champion to drop off a home cooked meal for them.

Create a book club. You could choose a physical book or an audio one. Or simply read to your loved one over the phone. Involve children. Have them read their favourite stories too. 

Send photos or videos. Send snippets of daily life – the more mundane the better. Remember the phrase: it is the simple things in your life that make up the bulk of it. Share photos and moments of your day. Ask family and friends to do the same – these can be shared on Aura.

Play games. Virtual games like Psyche and Kahoot are family friendly and trans-generational. Most virtual games allow players to join in from many households using a pin code to access it. Get a group together.

Send snail mail. Write a letter or ship a care package. Who doesn’t love getting mail these days? Books, magazines and puzzles help pass the time. Think of things that will help your loved one with their ailments or may reduce stress: their favourite tea and biscuits, a cozy blanket, candle, journal or a sleeping mask. Yes, men appreciate these too! Send old photos of family and friends, either in a traditional album or load up a digital one. 

Make a mixtape. Or in today’s terms, a playlist. Choose songs on Spotify that remind you of them, or your memories together. Choose a theme, like Survival, and find songs that fit the theme. Invite them to add to the list. If music isn’t their thing, suggest audio books or podcasts.

Make future plans. Decide what you’ll do on the next virtual meet up. Having something to look forward to keeps spirits up. Dream about what you’ll do when you can finally see each other again.

Encourage them to stay active: Plan a time to exercise together. You don’t need much to get a home gym going. A yoga mat, light weights, an exercise ball and resistance bands will do the trick. Exercise can help boost a person’s mood and general wellbeing, as well as keeping their bodies fit and well. Keep your loved ones moving and stretching to maintain their agility and their cognitive skills. Plan to walk around the neighbourhood together during one of your weekly phone calls. 

Continue to celebrate milestones. Plan virtual parties. Host a virtual lunch. If your loved one is in hospital or a care home, alert care staff to upcoming milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries and ensure you have set up a time to connect with your relative on those days. Order cake, plants or flowers and pressies.

Send metta love. This is important. If you cannot reach your loved one, or they lack capacity, you can still keep in touch. Take a quiet moment to contemplate. Close your eyes, place your hand over your heart and keep your loved one in your mind’s eye. Repeat a mantra that you want to communicate: for example, “I wish my loved one to know they are safe and loved.” Do this anytime you feel the anxiety building.

Finally, be kind to yourself. Make sure you are looking after number one. This is a difficult time! Make sure you are eating well, resting properly, going for walks, and taking breaks for yourself. Caregivers cannot pour from an empty cup. Your health and wellbeing are the key to getting through this. 

Not everyone may have someone to call regularly. If you’re older and on your own and would like to talk to someone, Age UK has a number you can call for a chat on 0800 169 65 65.

Visit Sabrina Singh – End of Life Doula for a free consultation.