Pillars of Strength

I have developed these Pillars of Strength as the key structures that support us and enable us to rebuild our lives following a loss. It requires work to build the pillars – as well as a commitment to keep going. Small changes have big outcomes. Try one or two and build their practice over time. The resulting strength they provide will be increased many times over.

1. Relationship with the person who has died

• The biggest indicator of how much pain we are in, is the significance and how much we loved the person who died; the more we loved them, the more we will miss them. The contradiction here is that having had a difficult relationship with the person who has died can make the grieving process harder, because there are likely to be regrets, and no longer the opportunity to put things right.

• The relationship with the person who has died although radically altered, continues, the love for them never dies. Find ways of externalising that relationship:
  
  – by wearing something that connects to them, like their watch, or an article of clothing like a scarf. 
  
  – it may be visiting their grave, or creating a memory box in which you put in special objects like their glasses, or cards or pressed flowers; a photograph album or writing to them a letter.
  
  – by cooking their favourite recipe.

2. Relationship with Onself

• As our relationship with the world and others is changed by grief, so does our relationship with ourself change.
  
• We need to be self-compassionate, listen to our own needs, be kind and don’t self-attack in the form of constant self-criticism. 
  
• Recognise that feelings are not facts: feeling bad for instance, doesn’t make us bad.
  
•  There may be many different conflicting and confusing messages going on in our mind –  writing down conflicting messages, what we are feeling, enables us to begin to see what we are telling ourselves, and thereby clarify  what is going on inside; giving us the information to ensure we find the right support.
  
• Journaling is a well-researched source of self-support that has been shown to be as effective as therapy

• We all need defence mechanisms, and it is useful to be aware of what ours are, and work out for this situation, whether we need to build other mechanisms too.

• Denial in grief is a natural and important part of self-protection, knowing is incremental. We couldn’t cope with the full knowledge all at once.

• Our whole history of loss will be triggered, so a new loss is likely to bring back previous losses. We aren’t going mad or failed to do the necessary grieving in the past – it is normal.

3. Ways to Express Grief

My big shout is that we all need to find ways of expressing our grief, it doesn’t matter what the way is. For some it will be talking to family or friends, for others painting, making music or seeing a therapist.

There is no right way to express it, the key is to find a way of connecting to the feelings we have inside, try and name them, and then find a way to express them. If we do this regularly it becomes a supportive pillar in the management of our pain, which in itself changes over time.

4. Time

Time takes on different hues in grief:

• Allow more time than is often expected to make decisions, both immediate like the funeral, (unless there are religious imperatives) but also life decisions. We can feel a pressure to take action because the feeling of powerlessness is so strong, but only time allows proper reflection to ensure against regret.

• Grieving takes longer than anyone wants or expects, we cannot fight it, we can only find ways to support ourselves in it. When we block it there are much higher rates of both physical and mental illness. On the positive side, over time the intensity of the pain lessens, we do naturally adjust and re-engage with life again.  

• Our relationship with time feels changed, the future can look daunting and there can be a longing to be in the past, the best we can do is keep our outlook short, keep our attention focussed on today and this week.

5. Mind and Body

A central pillar is our mind and our body, that has been mightily impacted by the death of the person we love. We know from neuroscience, that every thought that we have has a physiological component which is felt in our body, the mind and the body are interconnected to the extent they are called mindbody, a single interweaving unit.

Neuroscientists talk about it as “the body remembers the body holds the score” meaning the whole experience is held in our body and influences both what we think and the decisions we take. It means the pain of grief is embodied and influences our thinking and behaviour. It is often feels like fear, and tips us into hyperarousal.

We need to establish a regime that helps regulate our mindbody. The more habitual it is the more effective it is:

• a combination of both cardiovascular exercise which helps ease the feeling of fear; like running, walking, any sport.

• and a relaxation/meditation exercise which helps manage our anxiety.

• combined with eating regularly, without great spikes of sugar coffee and alcohol intake.

6. Limits

When we experience a life changing loss it is likely to affect our capacity at work and socially. We need the power to say no. Paradoxically it enhances the power of yes. For when we have a proper no, our yes is infinitely more positive.

Friends and family can get very bossy when we are grieving, and very keen for us to get back into the swing of life, but nobody else can know what our limits are, it is up to us to pay attention to them and voice them clearly.

7. Structure

In the chaos of grief, we can feel tilted off our axis, and it helps to build a pillar of structure, although allowing flexibility within it. Structure is a friend that holds us.

Good habits have the multiplier effect, the more we do them, the better we feel. It takes about six weeks to develop a good habit that it becomes so habitual, we do it, without thinking about it.

8. Focussing

Grief sits in the body, people often talk about it as ‘a knot’, or ‘a block’ in their throat. Often there are no words for these bodily sensations.

‘Focusing’ is the technique that accesses that bodily wisdom.

The process is:

Close your eyes

Breathe deeply and slowly.  In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Three times

Move your attention internally

Move your attention around your body until you find the place where there is most sensation.

To breathe into the place.

Find a word that describes that place – does it have a shape, a colour, is it hard, is it soft?

If the image could speak what would it say?

Then follow where the images takes you.

Adapted from ‘Grief Works : stories of life, death & surviving by Julia Samuel

Also visit: Grief Works app