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Written by Adam McIlroy.
12 minute read
Article reviewed by Judy Carole, Published Author on March 6, 2025.
Talking about death and dying with people we love can feel almost impossible. Most of us know these conversations matter but many of us still avoid them until there is no choice.
That hesitation is deeply human. Death can bring up fear, sadness, uncertainty and practical worries all at once. Many of us worry about upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing or making things feel more real by speaking openly. But avoiding the subject does not make death easier to face. In fact, silence can leave people feeling isolated, frightened and alone.
This article explores why talking about death matters so much, both emotionally and practically. As part of a wider conversation around death education, it aims to help people feel more informed, prepared and supported when facing end-of-life conversations.
We’ll explore why these conversations can feel so difficult, what happens when they never take place and how open discussion can help people feel more connected and understood. We’ll also look at what people mean by a “good death”, alongside the unique challenges of talking about death with children and with someone who has dementia.
Key takeaways:
Talking about death does not bring it closer. It simply makes it easier to face together.
When these conversations do not happen, families can be left guessing about medical care, funeral wishes and what really mattered to the person who has died. Those decisions often have to be made quickly while people are grieving.
Death can feel more frightening when it is treated as something unspeakable. When a subject is completely off-limits, our minds often fill in the gaps.
A gentle, honest conversation can reduce that fear. It can help the person who is dying feel less alone and it can help family and friends feel more prepared.
A “good death” does not mean a death without sadness. It means the person had some choice, dignity and say in what happened.
That might mean knowing where they would prefer to be cared for, who they would want nearby, what treatment they would or would not want, or what music, rituals or personal touches would comfort them.
When wishes are known, families can make decisions with more confidence. They are not left wondering, “Is this what they would have wanted?”
Even one imperfect conversation can bring comfort later.
Talking openly can help people say what needs to be said. It can make room for forgiveness, gratitude, memories and goodbye. It can also help families better understand each other’s beliefs on death and funerals, especially when views around faith, ceremony or remembrance differ across generations.
It can also help with practical planning such as setting up a power of attorney, writing down funeral wishes or making an advance decision.
Death is often shown as the worst thing that can happen. Sometimes it is frightening, painful or unfair. But there is still room to think about dying differently.
A good death is usually one where the person’s wishes are known and respected. That might include:
Documents such as an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment, a health and welfare Lasting Power of Attorney, a living will or a funeral plan can help put those wishes into words.
These are not pessimistic acts. They are acts of care.
Many of us grow up in a culture where death is private, awkward or even taboo. We may worry about saying the wrong thing, upsetting someone or making the situation feel more real.
If someone close to us is dying, we may feel torn. We want to acknowledge what is happening but we may also want to protect them from sadness. We may worry about our own grief getting in the way.
The person who is dying may have fears too. They may worry about becoming a burden, upsetting their family, losing privacy, leaving things unresolved or saying something that others are not ready to hear.
There is no single right way to talk about death. The conversation can be emotional, practical, quiet, funny, spiritual or uncertain. What matters most is that it is honest and kind.
This article focuses on why these conversations matter. For practical conversation starters, see our guide to how to start a conversation about death.
A few principles can help:
Use clear language. Words like “died” are usually kinder than euphemisms such as “gone to sleep”, especially when speaking with children or someone who has dementia.
You do not need to have perfect answers. Being present, listening and allowing silence can be enough.
Tears do not mean the conversation has gone wrong. They often show that something honest is being shared.
A simple phrase such as “I’m here if you ever want to talk about this” can open the door without forcing someone through it.
Many adults want to protect children from death. But children are often more capable of talking about it than we expect. Being excluded can sometimes make death feel more frightening.
Use simple, honest language and gentle, age-appropriate facts about death. Let children ask questions in their own way and at their own pace.
Very young children may understand death in concrete terms. School-age children may ask detailed practical questions. Teenagers may seem dismissive but may still want reassurance and space to talk.
Helpful principles include:
Winston’s Wish offers free bereavement support and resources for children and young people up to age 25 as well as guidance for the adults supporting them.
Talking about death with someone who has dementia can be especially difficult. Their ability to understand, remember or take part in the conversation may change over time.
This means it is often better not to delay. Earlier in the dementia journey, the person may be more able to share their wishes and take part in decisions about their care.
Helpful approaches include:
Notice whether they are asking about someone who has died or showing signs of worry. This may be a natural moment to respond gently.
Choose a calm time of day, perhaps after they have eaten or rested.
Avoid vague phrases. Simple, direct words are usually easier to understand.
Photos, music and familiar stories can help someone process grief and feel connected.
If they become distressed, offer comfort. It may be kinder to pause and return to the conversation later.
Dementia UK’s Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline can support families with advice about dementia, including difficult conversations. The helpline number is 0800 888 6678.
Families may also find it helpful to learn more about recognising end-of-life signs in dementia and how care needs can change in the final stages of the condition.
Sometimes someone will not want to talk about death. That response should be respected.
For some people, the subject may feel too frightening. For others, cultural or religious beliefs may make open discussion feel disrespectful or unlucky. This is not a failing.
If someone does not want to talk, you can leave the door open gently: “I understand. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
If the conversation involves trauma, estrangement or unresolved conflict, counselling or mediation may be a better first step.
Aura exists because these conversations matter.
Paul Jameson founded Aura with his son Dave after his own terminal diagnosis. He understood, from the inside, how much it helps when families can talk, plan and face death with honesty rather than fear.
Our team is here to help people make thoughtful choices about funerals, legacy planning and end-of-life wishes. We will never pressure you. We will simply give you the information you need and space to decide in your own time.
*Terms and conditions apply. You will receive a funeral plan summary before purchase.*
If you have any questions, would like a brochure or simply would like a chat through our services, our award-winning team is here to help.
Unlike other providers, we won’t hassle you with constant calls. We’ll simply ensure you have the information you need and leave you to come to a decision in your own time. When you’re ready for us, our team will be ready to help.
Talking about death helps bring emotional clarity, strengthens family understanding, and allows people to express their wishes before it’s too late. It also removes fear, helps with closure, and supports practical planning like funeral arrangements or end-of-life care.
Common reasons include:
Fear of causing distress
Worry about saying the wrong thing
Fear of one’s own mortality
Uncertainty about religious or spiritual differences
Lack of privacy or emotional readiness
Societal taboos around the subject
Both those who are dying and those close to them often feel a mix of avoidance, fear, guilt, or confusion.
Start gently. Use simple, indirect questions like:
“What kind of music would you want at your funeral?”
“Have you ever thought about what happens after we die?”
“Is there anything you’d want me to know or do if you became very ill?”
These open the door without pressure.
Listen actively — let them speak without interruption.
Be respectful — honour their beliefs and avoid correcting or debating.
Be honest — you don’t need all the answers; just be real.
Use open body language — eye contact, gentle tone, relaxed posture.
Use short, reassuring statements — e.g. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Allow silence — presence matters as much as words.
Follow their lead — let their curiosity guide the conversation.
Use clear, factual language (e.g. “died” instead of “gone to sleep”).
Reassure them that grief is natural.
Be honest if you don’t know the answer to a question.
Use stories or books (like The Memory Tree) to help them understand.
Use clear, direct language — avoid euphemisms.
Choose a calm, quiet moment, when they’re well-rested.
Use active listening — if they ask about someone who has died, it may be a natural moment to re-share the news.
Look at photos or share stories together to aid memory and reflection.
Observe their mood and respond with comfort, or gently change the subject if needed.
“I wonder if there’s anything you’ve been wanting to talk about…”
“Have you thought about what kind of service you’d like?”
“If you ever feel scared or worried, I’d love to help however I can.”
“You can talk to me about anything, whenever you want.”
It allows people to express their funeral wishes, document decisions, and take control of their end-of-life choices. This makes things easier for loved ones and ensures their legacy is respected — whether it’s choosing a direct cremation or planning a more traditional service.
Be present. Sit with them quietly. Offer small kindnesses. Keep communication open, but don’t force it. Your calm and steady support can make more difference than words alone.
You don’t need to have the perfect words. Focus on being sincere and present. Avoid:
Clichés like “everything happens for a reason.”
Platitudes like “they’re in a better place,” unless you know it aligns with their beliefs.
Minimising their experience.
Instead, say things like:
“I can’t imagine how hard this is.”
“I’m here for you.”
“You mean a lot to me.”
It’s never too late. Even quiet moments near the end can be profound. If words fail, touch, eye contact, and presence speak volumes. The most important thing is to show that you care.
A good death usually means the person’s wishes, values and choices were known and respected. Talking makes that much more possible.