×
Two together illustration

Two Together: Save £100!

Save £100 when you purchase two funeral plans together. Call us for more details.

Buy now pay later illustration

Buy now, pay in January

Buy your funeral plan today and pay in January for peace of mind this Christmas. Click here for full T&Cs.

DSC09846 2 scaled.jpg

Talking About Death and Dying

14 minute read

Talking about death and dying with our loved ones is simultaneously one of the hardest and yet one of the most necessary things that we can ever do.

In this article, we want to talk about some of the different reasons why both those who are dying, as well as those who have relatives who might be dying, can find this topic so difficult. We’d also like to offer some friendly advice, from our own experience of planning funerals, on how to rise to the challenge of facing one of our greatest conversational challenges: how to start a conversation about death.

DSC00391 scaled.jpg

How to Talk about Death

When faced with a moment in which we need to talk about death, we can often be overcome by a sense of fear or embarrassment that gets in the way. Rather than saying what we want to say, we might pass things off with a joke, or let it fade away inside, never really getting at the deeper need to express ourselves. But exploring our feelings with those we love about the process of dying, or about what happens next, is really important for both parties.

Why talking about death is hard if you’re losing someone

Once we know that someone close to us is dying, it can be hard to keep the person they were (indeed, still are) in view when that new piece of information keeps intruding into our thoughts. We might feel the conflicting need to acknowledge the fact they are dying, lest we offend them for seeming not to care or notice, along with the desire to help take their mind off of that fact, and to treat them just the same as we always have. We may also feel some or all of the following:

  • Fear of worsening the situation by saying something clumsy accidentally
  • Fear of losing our loved one
  • Fear of hurting our loved one’s feelings if we don’t share the same religious outlook
  • Fear of upsetting other family members by engaging a dying loved one in conversation about death
  • Fear of our own mortality getting in the way of being open with our loved one
  • The notion that professionals know better than us about how to deal with death 
  • The need to pretend that it will all be fine, even if we know or feel that it won’t be
  • Guilt or shame relating to this subject from previous moments in our life

With all of this on our minds, it’s no wonder that we can find broaching the subject difficult, especially if on top of all that, we also have the feeling that we are running out of time to say something meaningful.

Why talking about death is hard if you’re dying

Many of the same concerns weigh on the minds of those who are dying themselves. As well as the concerns felt by their loved ones who are losing them, they may also be experiencing:

  • Fear of burdening family and friends with a lingering illness or period in care
  • Paralysis through a lack of privacy, particularly in hospital wards or care homes
  • The sense that they have unfinished business that can’t now be resolved
  • A fractured family in conflict with itself
  • The burden of secrets they’ve never shared, but feel they should do so now while they can
  • Denial about the fact that they are dying
  • Fear of upsetting or hurting relatives who are not ready to lose them
  • Difficulty in general with self-expression, or a reserved personality

How to start a conversation about death and dying

In both the case of those losing someone, and those who may be dying themselves, the best way to start a conversation as important as this is to keep it simple and to adopt a gentle demeanour. 

Listen out for ‘tester questions’ from those around you which might indicate that they are trying to start a conversation about dying. These might include questions like “What song means the most to you?” or “Do you think there is an afterlife?”. Something simple that is close to the subject of dying, but general enough to be safe.

You could also try opening the door by asking similarly simple questions – your loved one might not take you up on the conversation immediately, but they will recognise that you are open to the possibility of talking, which could help them to get something off their chest and feel less alone when they are ready.

How to Talk to Someone about Death and Dying

One of the most meaningful gestures you can make to a dying person is to show that you’re willing to listen. Here are some helpful pointers for good listening which can help you to open up communication with your loved one.

Be respectful and honest

Those who are dying aren’t necessarily looking for a philosophical debate about Creation, as much as they are for reassurance. Try to be mindful of that person’s beliefs or outlooks and respect those boundaries.

You won’t have all the answers, and that’s okay. Try to simply share what you’re thinking authentically, rather than crafting an answer that you think is what a dying person wants to hear, or which would make you appear wise. They want to know what you truly think. 

Use humour and open up your body language 

Don’t be afraid to use humour if you think your loved one would appreciate it, but pay attention to whether you want to use humour because you yourself are uncomfortable, and ask yourself whether you are trying to avoid a more uncomfortable point.

Eye contact can be a powerful way of connecting on a deeper level with someone, helping them to feel that you are truly listening. Try to absorb what they are saying as well as how they are saying it. What is their tone of voice? Observe any changes in the colour of their face, their willingness to hold your gaze and to engage with you.

Watch their body language and stay calm

Ask yourself whether your loved one’s body language fits with what they are saying, and try to understand whether they are really trying to say something different. If so, don’t be shy about inviting them to share what’s really on their mind.

It’s perfectly natural to feel a bit embarrassed by this kind of emotional intimacy; you may also be fearful of seeing your relative or friend cry or become helpless and vulnerable. Breathe slowly and deeply to help yourself to keep calm.

Keep grounded and try indirect questions

Ground yourself by physically feeling your feet firmly on the floor. This will help you to be present and accepting of what is happening.

When asking indirect questions, you could try things like ‘I wonder whether there’s anything you want to talk to me about?’ or ‘Perhaps there’s something bothering you which you want to tell me about?’. This gives your relative or friend the choice to respond, or to say no. They may decline initially, but will know the door is open if they want to talk about it later. Indirect, exploring questions give the signal that you are safe to talk to, and that you care.

Try asking leading questions and using short statements

You can also gently ask leading questions to find out how they are feeling, such as, ‘If you become really ill, would you like me to sit with you?’ or ‘Have you thought about what kind of service you would like at your funeral?’. Again, this provides the dying person with the choice to respond or not.

Short statements can also provide comfort. You might say, ‘If there ever comes a time when you want to talk about something or you feel frightened, please do tell me’. This gives your relative or friend permission to talk in his or her own time, without expectation.

Don’t fear tears and judge when it’s best to talk

It’s okay to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to cry; crying is a natural response to emotionally charged situations. Being brave enough to express your grief can have a powerful healing effect on your relationship, as well as giving your relative or friend permission to grieve for the life they’ve lived.

Don’t feel you have to talk all the time. Just being there quietly at the bedside is important, and can often be surprisingly peaceful, especially if your loved one simply wants to be alone with their thoughts.

Cruse Bereavement Support offers useful guidance on approaching the subject of death with people from many different angles, including advice on what not to say when talking to someone who has just suffered a loss.

How to Start a Conversation about Death with Children

As adults, we naturally want to try to protect children from the gravity of death and dying. But children are more open to these subjects and capable of understanding them than we might realise. They can also develop harmful assumptions and fears about dying without proper guidance.

Talking about death and dying with children

Where possible, try to let the natural inquisitiveness of children guide the conversation, following their lead. It’s important that they are able to ask what they want to ask, and to develop their own opinions.

Help them to understand that death is a natural part of life, and that it comes to us all. If possible, it can be helpful to connect the subject to moments in their own lives, for example, if a family pet died, or perhaps if a character in a favourite film or book of theirs happened to die. This can help them to see the subject in more familiar terms, and to relate it to their own lives.

Conversations about death with children

Children respond to body language and social cues just like adults do. As Hospice UK says, children are more likely to ask practical questions such as “what does a dead body look like?” or “what’s inside a coffin?” as opposed to questions of an emotional nature. Here are some children-specific pointers that you might find useful.

  • Try your best not to look awkward or uncomfortable in response to questions about death – it might create the impression that the subject is taboo, and that they shouldn’t ask about it.
  • Keep your language simple and direct: use factual phrases like “died” as opposed to euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to a better place”, lest they interpret your words literally.
  • Don’t hide your grief from your children; allowing them to see you vulnerable will help them to see that it’s okay to express emotion.
  • If they ask you a question that you don’t know the answer to, it’s better to be honest and say so, rather than inventing one.
  • Don’t panic or worry that you may have given poor answers to the questions they ask you – it’s more important that they know you’re listening to them.

Talking about Death and Dying to Someone with Dementia

When talking about the subject of death with one who has dementia, whether in general or perhaps if you are breaking the news to them that they themselves are dying, it can be especially difficult. Not only do you have all of the usual difficulties discussed above to contend with, but you also have the limitations of the condition itself.

You may find that you have to break bad news repeatedly if your loved one is not able to remember it. In cases where you are explaining to a loved one with dementia that someone they were close to has died, you may have to decide (on the basis of how close they were) whether it is worth breaking the news at all.

Dementia UK provides some helpful tips on how to raise this subject with someone who has dementia, some of which we share below. There is some overlap between this advice, and the advice about speaking with children, such as the suggestion to use clear, direct language and to avoid euphemisms. Other tips include:

Active listening

Listen for moments where your loved one with dementia is asking about someone who has since died. You can use this as an opportune moment to more naturally (re)explain the bad news about them. It should help your loved one to more easily process the information.

Pick your moment

Share the news at a time of the day when your loved one is at their best, for example, after they’ve rested or eaten. 

Don’t delay

Don’t delay or put off sharing the news, especially if the person’s absence is causing your loved one concern or agitation.

Share memories together

Reflecting together on the deceased or ill person, or looking through photographs of them can help your loved one with dementia process the grief, and celebrate their life.

Judge their mood

Keep an eye on your loved one’s state of mind. If they seem agitated or upset, make sure to offer comfort or perhaps seek a distraction by engaging in an activity with them which they enjoy.

Why Is It Important to talk about Dying?

There is still a taboo in our society re talking about death, but remember: discussing death doesn’t make it come closer, it only makes it easier to deal with. By opening yourself up to conversations about dying, you can be a guide for loved ones struggling with a burden, as well as a midwife for other difficult conversations.

Aura was founded by Paul Jameson and his son Dave (our CEO) specifically to help fight this taboo, after he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease back in 2017. Paul’s journey with a terminal illness has helped him to understand the importance of talking about death with those close to him. Aura’s mission to help families with their end-of-life planning comes directly out of Paul’s own effort to put things in place for his own family.   

Getting closure

Whether we are religious or not, the need to confess is a deeply human experience. By broaching the subject of a loved one’s mortality with them, you can bestow a sense of peace upon them that may help them to understand the importance of tying up loose ends before they run out of time. 

Helping a dying loved one to put their house in order before they die can be one of the most meaningful and important things it’s possible to do.

Honouring wishes

If we don’t muster the courage to speak about what we want for our own funeral, whether that’s format, type of ceremony, or even the kind of music that will play, we risk getting something that doesn’t suit us. If you know you’d like to have a direct cremation, but are worried about what your family might think, the best thing you can do is start a conversation about it.

Starting a conversation about death gives us the chance to take control of our legacy, and to get our wishes on the record. Having a funeral that reflects what we want not only gives us a sense of having tied up loose ends, it can also help our loved ones to come to terms with our loss if our funeral is more personal to us.

If there’s anything at all that’s been raised by this article which you’d like to ask us about, or if you’d like our help to get your own funeral plan sorted, then we are ready to assist you. Please don’t hesitate to give us a call.

Debs Fowler
Debs
Tamsin Ferrier
Tamsin
Roderick Beresford Cole
Roderick
Line open

Call our friendly team for more information

If you have any questions, would like a brochure or simply would like a chat through our services, our award-winning team is here to help.

Unlike other providers, we won’t hassle you with constant calls. We’ll simply ensure you have the information you need and leave you to come to a decision in your own time. When you’re ready for us, our team will be ready to help.

Adam McIlroy

Share: