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When it comes to planning a funeral, we might find ourselves wondering ‘What is a memorial service?’. Or whether there’s a difference between a memorial and a funeral. In this article, we will answer these questions, reflecting on the purpose of a memorial service, differences between them and funerals, the benefits of having a memorial, and other matters.
We’d also just like to recognise that, if you’ve come here looking for answers about memorials, then you might be facing a difficult moment. Whether your thoughts are on an imminent memorial for a loved one who may soon pass away, or for yourself in the distant future, Aura is here to help.
Put simply a memorial service is a post-funeral gathering, often called an end-of-life celebration, held in honour of someone who has died. They are much more flexible in theme, location, format, style, timing and sentiment than funerals.
In answering the question ‘What is a memorial service?’, the first thing we need to be aware of is that it’s not quite the same thing as a funeral. While there are lots of overlapping and common elements, there are a few key differences. Something important that happens at a funeral is the processing of the body, that is, its burial or cremation. However, with a memorial, the funeral has usually already happened some time ago, which means that the body is not present. Instead, the person in whose name the memorial is happening is normally represented by imagery, such as photos of them, or perhaps their cremation urn, if they were cremated.
A memorial service gives people the time to process the rawest and most immediate impact of their grief in bereavement, meaning that it may feel more appropriate to celebrate that person’s life after their loved ones have had some time to process the loss.
The main differences between memorials and funerals relate to timing and location; the presence of the body or ashes; and the tone and focus of the ceremony.
For public health and cultural reasons, funerals tend to happen as soon as possible after a death has occurred. Depending on the different beliefs on death and funerals in religion, this could be in just a couple of days, such as in Islam. In general, though, whether or not a funeral is religious, it will tend to happen either at a burial ground (which may or may not be at a religious building like a church), or a crematorium.
Memorials, on the other hand, are far more flexible in these particulars. Of course, a memorial service could occur on the same day as a funeral, as the family sees fit, but there’s no pressure to do this. With the decline of religion in the UK, the strict religious format is ever less popular. This means that families no longer feel the pressure to remember a loved one immediately after they have died, and at a religious building, if they feel they want more time to come to terms with the loss and that a different location would be more appropriate.
One of the main functions of a funeral is to ‘process’ the body of one who has died, in general, either via a burial, or a commital of the body to the flames of a cremator. In this way, we have marked someone’s passing from the world of the living into memory, thereby performing a spiritual, emotional, and practical purpose all at once. It therefore goes without saying that the body of the person who has died, contained in a coffin or covering of some kind, will be present at a funeral ceremony.
Given that a memorial normally follows a funeral, the body is therefore not usually present. Instead, photos and images of the person who has died will adorn the memorial space. And, in cases where they were cremated, the urn containing their ashes may be present. Indeed, many families use a memorial service as an opportunity to distribute the ashes to family members, or to disburse them somewhere special, in line with any creative cremation ashes ideas that their lost loved one may have had.
Whilst every funeral is as different and special as the person whom they are commemorating, due to how soon after their death they normally are, they are not normally overwhelmingly happy or celebratory occasions. Whilst the tendency for formality is lessening, they are still likely to be solemn. A eulogy is often delivered, which, depending on the personality of the person who has died, could be flexible and varied in tone. But, in general, the ceremony will encompass the course of their life, leaning more towards their loss and the impact of their absence on the mourners.
There are no restrictions on tone and focus with a memorial. It can be themed much more exactly around the interests, hobbies, and character of the person who has died. For instance, if they were a big football fan, then, friends and family can all attend a game together in the anniversary week of their death. Or if they liked a certain local beauty spot, people can gather there to walk, or camp, and share stories. With the passage of time, and the gradual adjustment to the loss, this type of memorial can become an uplifting and life affirming ritual that happens every year.
A final goodbye to a lost loved one, such as we might give at a memorial service in their honour, has a number of important purposes. We gain a sense of emotional healing and closure; we get to honour their life and what it meant to us; and we get to support the bereaved among us, or feel the support of others if we had an especially close relationship with them.
A good memorial that does our loved one justice is one of the best ways to help us deal with grief. By remembering our loved one on their terms, all in their glory, we can say goodbye to them with satisfaction we’ve done right by them. A memorial can help us to navigate the grieving process more effectively, if we feel that the one we’ve lost has been properly honoured and remembered.
A memorial gives us the chance to honour the life of the one we’ve lost. We can reflect on their personal and professional achievements, and pause to think about the relationships they developed and maintained. We can pay our respects to them in all the roles they occupied, from partner to parent, colleague to friend.
A memorial is not only a good way of helping us to feel that we are grieving together with others who know our pain, but a way of showing gratitude to the one we’ve lost for everything they did for us whilst they were alive.
A memorial in honour of someone who has died can be particularly important for those who are bereaved, as it helps them to see that they are not alone. That perceived loneliness can make coping with the death of a parent, or dealing with the unexpected death of any loved one especially difficult.
Saying a collective goodbye allows us to rally around the bereaved, and lift them up with our strength.
Depending what kind of memorial is being organised, they can be complicated, multifaceted things to organise. We will need to settle on a place and time that works for everyone who wants to attend, but which honours the life of the one who has died.
The best guide for selecting a good place (and time) for a memorial is the personality of the one who has died. Those organising the event (perhaps even the person who has died themselves, ahead of time) will want to draw upon what they know about the interests and likes – the hobbies and preferences – of the person who has died. In this way, they will be able to arrive at a location that really speaks to who they were, and what they liked to do. In this way, the memorial will almost certainly be more impactful and meaningful by definition.
Sunrise or sunset can be great times for a memorial service, especially if the location is a favourite natural beauty spot of the one who has died. With that being said, you may still wish to consider the needs of those who want to gather and pay their respects as far as possible, and how accessible the plans you have may be for them.
At a memorial service, every single detail can be thoroughly customised and themed to suit the interests and character of the person who has died. Greater difference in time and space between the funeral or the death of the person and the memorial can make light-hearted or comedic tones more effective, especially if they are remembered as being funny themselves.
Music; stories about death admired by the person who has died; photos and videos of them; and their favourite poetry and prayers can all be incorporated into the memorial. Anyone can stand up and make a speech, sharing their memories, stories and reflections on the life of the person who has died. Even the cultural, religious, and spiritual perspectives of the person we’ve lost can be weaved into proceedings.
Where possible, a memorial service can be enlivened by gestures and references to the legacy of the person who has died. If they were part of a sports club, perhaps someone representing it can be invited to say a few words. Memorabilia of their interests can be brought along, such as club, film, or tv merchandise relating to their favourite sports teams, tv shows and movie characters. If they did any charitable activities in life, these could also be incorporated into the memorial, such as through a donation, or volunteering.
Whilst memorial services are highly unique and specific to each individual, they often have elements in common, such as an opening and welcome; readings and tributes; and music and visuals.
Whatever the tone or theme of the memorial, there should be some sort of moment that marks its beginning. This could be a prayer, some music … even a shot of their favourite spirit, if appropriate. Try to make sure that it gives a hint of the purpose of the gathering, and of how the theme will develop. This will put everyone into the same frame of mind together, and set the scene and expectations.
You might like to include readings and tributes at some point, during the ceremony, perhaps from among any ancient myths and legends about death admired by the person who has died. They can also simply be anecdotal, personal and special, and anyone should be able to get up and say something brief, should they want to. Some families like to secure the services of a funeral celebrant to lead a memorial ceremony from start to finish, and to deliver a heartfelt eulogy reflecting the character and spirit of the one who has died.
If you’ve selected a venue, it can be decorated in a way that helps to recall the spirit and life of the person who has died, with memorabilia of their favourite interests and family photos. Music can be played, whether live or recorded. Depending on the tone of the memorial, some of the best funeral songs ever could be used; happier, up-beat music; or some of the favourite music of the person who has died. If the person was religious, then perhaps some of the most popular UK funeral hymns could be selected and sung collectively, although this may be more appropriate for a funeral ceremony, rather than a memorial service.
Whether live or recorded music, it’s always a good idea to check the feasibility (i.e., acoustics / room, or sound-system quality) of the venue in advance, to see if it will work for the intended purpose. And, even if the intention is to honour the person who has died by playing some of their favourite music, spare a moment to consider whether the subject matter, language, length and tone of the music are all appropriate for all of the attendees.
There are many reasons why a memorial service is becoming a more and more important part of end-of-life planning. They offer flexibility for families; opportunities for reflection and connection; and the freedom to personalise.
Ever since the Covid pandemic, direct cremation has been increasing in popularity in the UK. It’s a type of cremation service that usually forgoes the ceremonial elements, instead focussing on the cremation process. Families, if they like, can then use the money they’ve saved on elements like limousines and floral tributes, to have a celebration of life memorial for their loved one at a later date.
Memorial services, in conjunction with something like a direct cremation, can allow families to take the time they need, whether to get over the initial shock of their grief, or to save the money they want to spend. They can then bring a version of themselves that is in a more positive state of mind, ready to remember the life of the person they’ve lost, to a future memorial. Such a gathering can lead to a more meaningful and effective tribute and send-off.
A memorial service can bring people who are united by their grief together, under the same roof, or in the same location. These people can be from all sides of the life of the person who has died. In this way, through collective listening and sharing, those in attendance can gain a clearer, more complete picture of the person who has died. This can lead to a more meaningful send for them, and a greater sense of healing and closure for those who’ve gathered.
Away from the confines of a religious building, or from the solemn occasion of a funeral, a memorial has a far greater amenability to personalisation and customisation. A memorial ceremony can truly be one of a kind, sending off the person who has died with a thoroughly special tribute. There’s no limit to what can be included.
Here are some common FAQs about memorial services.
A memorial service can be a good alternative to an attended funeral ceremony. Many people feel that a funeral forces them into a formal state of mind, or to gather and mourn before they’re ready. Others simply don’t want to make a fuss by having a funeral, but accept that it’s natural for others to want to gather and mourn their loss. A memorial service offers a personalised, flexible option in both cases.
This is entirely up to the family concerned. It could be held weeks, months, or even years after the death of the person, and could even be repeated on an annual basis as part of a memorial ritual or tradition.
The beauty of a memorial service is its flexibility. It’s completely up to the family to decide whether this is appropriate or not. Whilst traditional funerals are normally actively religious, the alternative doesn’t have to cut this out altogether. Religious scripture and music can be balanced with other things, as the family sees fit.
The only thing that needs to be borne in mind here is that, if you intend to hold a memorial service on private property which you don’t own, then you should seek permission from the owner. The same is true, depending on what you’ve got planned, if you want to arrange something in a public place. In particular, this is the case when scattering ashes. As a sidenote, whilst it’s a popular cremation myth that ashes are dangerous, they can be harmful to local ecology, so be mindful of this before scattering them in local beauty spots.
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