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Save £100 when you purchase two funeral plans together. Call us for more details.
When someone close to us is dealing with a bereavement, and struggling to handle their feelings of grief, it can be very hard to know how to comfort them. We may begin to feel anxious, striving to find the right words to help them feel better, or to make the right gesture to calm them down. In this article, we want to provide some guidance, letting you know what to say when you don’t know what to say.
We’d also just like to start by recognising the potential difficulty of your situation; if you’re reading this article, you might be going through a hard time, or have someone close to you who is. Please don’t worry – you’re in the right place. Aura is the top-rated national ‘Cremation Services’ provider on Trustpilot, with a score of 4.9/5 stars, and we are experts in end-of-life planning. Whatever end-of-life or funeral-related matter you’re puzzling over or struggling with, we know that we will be able to lend a helping hand.
In moments when it’s fallen to us to comfort a loved one or friend with a bereavement, we can often get anxious feeling the need to say the ‘perfect’ thing. Or, indeed, we may simply be desperate not to say the wrong thing. Talking about death and dying can make us feel inadequate, low, or embarrassed, provoking a whole range of emotional responses in us.
But, it’s important to remember that, much like with announcing a death to friends and family, words matter in difficult moments. Sharing simple and heartfelt words can make a big impact on the immediate feelings of our loved one, offering comfort and solace. We can also form a lasting impression of gratitude and care by showing that we are there for them.
We also need to bear in mind that our genuine response is what will be appreciated in the long-term, even if it seems to you to be messy or garbled in the moment itself. Our loved ones are not expecting us to rehash something scripted from a film or television show; they will simply be reassured by the fact that you are there with them in this dark moment.
What to say when you don’t know what to say is often a question of keeping things simple, honest, and reflective. Genuine expressions of empathy and support will go a long way, as will acknowledging any uncertainty you may be feeling.
Simple phrases like “I’m here for you” or “I can’t imagine how hard this must be” can register like a ray of light in the dark for your loved ones and friends who may be struggling to deal with grief. You may wish to avoid repeating such phrases too often, as they will lose their impact, and may lead to feelings of isolation or irritation in the listener.
Your words shouldn’t try to convince the listener that they shouldn’t or don’t feel however they feel; instead, offer comfort without judgement. Your silent or wordless presence, perhaps with a hand on their shoulder, or in their hand, can be just as effective a form of support words can be.
If you are uncertain of what to say or how to act, it can be meaningful and genuine to simply say as such. A line like “I don’t know what to say or how to help, but I want you to know that I want to, and that I am here for you.” Your friend or loved one will also likely be in a position of not knowing how to process their feelings, particularly if they are struggling to cope with the death of a parent or another close relative. Your mutual confusion and pain will serve as a powerful route to connection between you, and greater comfort and support for your loved one.
Often, when faced with the need to comfort a bereaved loved one, the cause of their pain is the death of someone we had little or no knowledge of. Try not to let this discourage you from offering your support, as universal phrases can still bring relief.
It may help you, if you’re familiar with them, to refer to any beliefs on death and funerals in religion which they may have, as this can help to guide your words in a more meaningful direction. This can also be a safer way to offer your condolences if you share the same faith as the one who has been bereaved. Aside from this, stories about death or ancient myths and legends about death can offer a variety of fruitful and comforting talking points which can help your loved one to direct their grief onto an external source.
In general, universal phrases can also help you to be there for someone who has lost another person whom you never knew. Phrases such as, “I am sorry for your loss” or “They must have been very special to you” can go a long way. Try, if you can, to avoid using platitudes or meaningless phrases; making overly personal comments; or asking irrelevant, specific questions about the person who has died, as this might confuse and upset your grieving loved one.
You could also signal that you are ready to help them remember their loved one whenever they are ready, however they see fit.
When someone is in the grip of the most immediate and raw stages of grief, such as when they are dealing with the unexpected death of a loved one, they may be showing obvious signs of emotional pain, such as crying or sobbing. In cases like this, offering immediate words of comfort, and non-verbal support can be effective.
Let your loved one know that “it’s perfectly okay to cry” and to shed tears. You can also plainly let them know, “I am here with you”. You may also want to wait for a lull in the emotional episode, before asking “Would you like to talk about it?” Giving your loved one the option to decide for themselves about what they want can be empowering in moments where they feel that they’ve lost control.
In moments like these, your tone and delivery are all-important. Gentleness and kindness are likely to serve you well. But be careful not to come across as patronising or to use the kind of tone that you might with a child (unless, of course, you are talking to a child). It’s also key to avoid an impatient, bored, or distracted tone, which can sometimes be hard, particularly if you have been trying to bring comfort for hours or even days.
If you feel that words are not helping, or that you don’t trust yourself to say the right thing, there are other options. If appropriate, offering a hug or a reassuring touch such as a hand on their shoulder, or in their hand, can speak more than some words can. Other wordless gestures can do the world of good, such as offering a tissue, or bringing them a glass of water or cup of tea.
They simply want you to be there with them, without you needing to say anything at all. Your silent presence alongside them can be a powerful demonstration of support. You could also offer to play some music that they might like, such as some of the best funeral songs, or you could read aloud from a book that they find comforting.
If you want to start a conversation about death with your recently bereaved loved one or friend, try to let them lead its direction. Asking open questions like “How are you feeling about everything?” or “How are you feeling today?” will encourage your loved one to reflect honestly on their feelings, and to share their progress if they feel comfortable.
This will generate a couple of important benefits: Firstly, they will recognise that conversation with you about grief serves a purpose for them; it might actually prompt them to make better sense of their feelings and handle the grieving process more effectively. But, secondly, they’ll see that you actually want to help them, and that you’re not just asking out of politeness. Conversations like this can have a lasting and meaningful impact upon your relationship going forward, even as they become more adept at handling their grief. They will always remember that you were there for them, and that is its own reward for the effort.
Conversations on the subject of grieving and death can lead to unexpected feelings and reactions from all participants. Much like when we are facing the potential awkwardness of breaking bad news, it can be helpful to memorise some versatile questions which could help you out of a tricky situation. Questions like, “what’s been on your mind lately?”, “what’s the hardest part for you at the moment?”, or “what do you miss most about them today?” can help to bring the conversation back down to the ground floor. From there, you can build and start again.
Failing that, humour can be a powerful tool, where appropriate. Acknowledging if you feel you’ve made it awkward with something you’ve said can help to raise a smile and bring some different emotions into the mix. Naturally, it’s up to you to read the response of your listener to see whether they are open to that. Likewise, if you feel the situation is awkward, simply acknowledging it by saying, “I know it’s a bit awkward, but …” can help to dispel the tension and get people to say what they really want to say.
An effective conversational move can be to share your own feelings and experiences to build rapport. It can be of great benefit to us to hear that others have been through what we are feeling now, so your loved one might appreciate your reflections. As ever, balance is key in conversations like this; try to keep the conversation well blended between your own occasional reflections and remarks, and what your loved one has to say.
Use your own experiences to spark comments and engagement from them, but with someone who is feeling the sharpest emotions of bereavement, listening is more important than talking from your perspective. Try to give them the time and space they need to express themselves, and the benefit of a patient and genuine manner. Gentle questions and empathetic statements from you should be enough to let the conversation serve a meaningful purpose.
We hope you have found this article useful, and that you now have a clearer idea of what to say when you don’t know what to say. We know that comforting grieving loved ones can be daunting, which is why we offer you our support. Aura proudly offers its funeral services to those in need, in the shape of our prepaid funeral plans for the future, and our direct cremation services to those requiring a funeral at short notice.
Our wonderful, compassionate Aura Angel team can act as your dedicated, personal funeral arrangers, giving you someone well versed in funeral arranging to support you throughout the process. You can call us whenever you’re ready, and we’ll be able to help.
