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Written by Emily Cross.
19 minute read
Knowing how to reach out and show someone you love that you care for them and understand what they are going through is something that many of us struggle with. We know the person well, we have many things in common with them, and yet it can be hard to find the words to convey how we are feeling.
There are many reasons for this, such as shock, deep emotional upset, and not wanting to feel like we are intruding on their grieving process. All of this is perfectly understandable, and yet, we know that if we don’t reach out, we may regret it later on if we learn that failing to get in touch left the person we love feeling isolated or abandoned when they needed us most.
As providers of direct cremation services, we have had the honour of talking to people who have approached writing condolence messages for sympathy cards. Our intention with this guide is to share some of our experiences with you, so that you have something to think over and consider if you are not sure how to reach out and extend your sympathies and best wishes to your loved one.
Key takeaways:
A sympathy card is a card you send to someone after a person close to them has died. It tells them you’re thinking of them and that you share in their loss. It doesn’t fix anything, but it lets someone know they’re not alone, and many people keep the cards they receive for years.
Sympathy cards matter even more when you can’t be there in person: if you live far away, can’t make the funeral, or the family has chosen a direct cremation with no service.
Knowing what to write in a sympathy card can feel difficult. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, especially when someone is grieving. There’s no need to find the perfect words. A simple, heartfelt message that shows you care is enough.
If you’re not sure where to start, these steps can help you write and sign your card.
There’s no perfect thing to say. What matters is that your words are honest and kind. If you’re not sure where to start, this simple four-part structure works for almost any card:
You don’t need to include all four. Two or three heartfelt lines are plenty. Simply remembering their loved one and letting them know you’re thinking of them can mean a great deal.
Starting with simple, heartfelt phrases that express sympathy and show support is something that may help you to begin your search for wording you feel comfortable with. Here are some popular options that you may wish to consider:
Keeping it simple like this may help you express the kind, respectful wishes that you are trying to pass on. You may also want to consider avoiding clichés where possible because, despite the fact that they are well-known phrases; they may make the recipient feel like you haven’t put the same level of thought into your card as others may have.
Anyone figuring out how to cope with the death of a parent will tell you that a personalised message that reads as if it comes from the heart can help them. The problem is that such heartfelt, deep wording may not be appropriate in cases where you are not as close to the person who has died. Here are some examples that you may wish to consider:
Tailoring your choice of words to reflect how close you were to the person who has died, as well as to the recipient of the card, may help you to arrive at a style of messaging you are comfortable with. You could also consider adding personal memories if you feel it is appropriate.
Knowing how to break bad news is a skill that has a lot of overlap with knowing what to include in a sympathy card. In both cases, knowing whether or not to include religious sentiment or attempting to provide spiritual comfort may help you connect with the recipient on a deeper level. Here are some examples that you may wish to consider:
Everyone is entitled to their own spiritual and religious outlook on life, and that means there are certain sensitivities that you may need to be aware of. Taking a moment to think about what you know about the recipient and their faith or belief system may help you arrive at a choice of wording that you feel is most appropriate.
Many people who are coping with grief find a great source of comfort in the messages they receive and the cards that arrive at their door during such a tender time. To help you make a difference in a way that you feel comfortable with, we’ve offered a few suggestions based on the nature of the relationships involved.
When someone you care about has lost their mother or father, they may feel like a key part of their support network is no longer there. While a card will never replace what they no longer have, it may help to show that you care and that you are there for them whenever they need you. Here are some common phrases that you may wish to consider:
Focusing on empathy, recognising their grief and offering support can help you find the right tone for what you want to say. Taking a few quiet minutes to sit with your words before sending the card can also help you feel more certain that you’ve expressed yourself in the way you intended.
The death of a husband, wife, or partner is one that may be profoundly felt because of the sudden change in daily life. When you have lived with someone for years, waking up and realising they are no longer with you is something that many people find extremely difficult. Here are some options that you may find helpful to consider:
Aiming to convey support while at the same time making sure to honour their relationship is a balance that is often greatly appreciated by the person you are writing to. You are showing that you don’t just acknowledge what happened to them, but that you also have some appreciation of how it must feel. Doing this in a way that doesn’t directly compare their grief with another event or tragic death will ensure that you don’t unintentionally minimise what they are going through right now.
Finding words that feel right when you’re writing to someone who is just starting to process the recent death of a close friend can be hard. Gentle approaches like the following options may help you home in on the choice of wording that you wish to use:
By taking a moment to acknowledge the friendship and sharing a memory or mutual connection in this way, you can show that you have some understanding of what they must be going through at this difficult time.
The type of message and the situation it is being sent in relation to will influence the choice of wording. For example, sympathy messages for funeral flowers are often delivered in a different way from those in the initial sympathy card. Taking a moment to consider the specific nature of the situation may help you to clarify your thinking at this time.
The shock and suddenness of a death that may feel like it has come out of nowhere is, perhaps, one of the hardest situations to deal with. Offering heartfelt messaging along the lines of the following examples may help you to express your feelings at this time:
Sensitive and comforting language could help to validate the unexpected nature of grief and acknowledge the suddenness of the change in circumstances. At times like this, many people will be in a profound state of shock and will simply not be able to look ahead to the future. Being aware of this and then writing in a way that makes it clear that you are there for them should they need you may give them something to hold onto.
When the person who has died has been ill for some time, the feelings of their close family and next of kin may understandably be mixed. On some level, they may feel like there is some relief from the suffering, but on another level, they just want their loved one back by their side. Compassionate words may help you to strike the right balance here:
You may wish to consider avoiding any direct reference to relief from suffering, just in case this is something the recipient is not feeling at the moment. Even though you are, no doubt, sharing this sentiment with the best of intentions, it may cause unintentional upset at a time when emotions understandably run high.
Use these as a starting point and adapt them to fit your own words.
For a family: Dear Patel family, I was so sorry to hear about Raj. He was always so welcoming, and I’ll miss our chats over the garden fence. Please know I’m thinking of you all. With sympathy, Amira
For a friend: Dear Sarah, I’m so sorry about Ben. He brought so much fun into every room, and I know how much you loved him. I’ll call next week, but please don’t feel you need to reply. With love always, Tom
For a colleague: Dear James, We were all so sorry to hear about your father. Please take all the time you need. We’re thinking of you and your family. Kind regards, Emily and the team
Try to send a sympathy card within a week or two of hearing about the death, or sooner if you can. If you can’t send one straight away, a quick text, call or voicemail lets the person know you’re thinking of them. You can always follow up with a card later.
People do still send sympathy cards. Texts and emails are common now, but a handwritten card is still one of the most valued ways to show you care. It’s something the person can keep and read again. It’s worth sending one even if you’re going to the funeral. It gives you space to say what you might not manage on the day, and it’s a kind gesture if the family has chosen a direct cremation with no service.
It’s never too late. Grief doesn’t follow a timetable, and a card that arrives weeks or months later can be a real comfort, especially once the early support has faded. You might simply write:
‘I’m sorry this is a little late, but I’ve been thinking of you and wanted you to know.’
Anniversaries, birthdays and the first holidays after a death are also thoughtful times to send a card.
Yes, and that includes immediate family. If a parent, sibling or grandparent has lost someone, a card can mean a lot, even if you’re grieving too or see them every day. It lets you put into words what can be hard to say face to face. You can also send cards to friends, neighbours and carers who were close to the person who’s died.
Many people find it hard to sign a sympathy card in a personal and comforting way. Searching for wording that doesn’t feel overly formal or too abrupt may help you to settle on something you feel comfortable with.
Yes, if you’re close to the person. ‘With love’ or ‘Lots of love’ feels warm and natural between friends and family. If you don’t know them well, ‘With sincere sympathy’ or ‘Kind regards’ is more fitting.
Sign with everyone’s names, or use a group sign-off:
For a workplace, everyone can sign one card. If several colleagues were close to the person, they may want to send their own as well.
Write the person’s full name on the envelope. Inside, use a formal greeting such as ‘Dear Mr and Mrs Patel’ for people you don’t know well, or something warmer like ‘Dear Maya and family’ for those you do. If you want to include someone else in the household, you can add a line such as ‘Please pass on my thoughts to Jack too.’
Some well-meant phrases can feel dismissive or hurtful. Try to avoid:
Instead, keep it simple: ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I’m thinking of you’ are always enough.
While there is no shortage of heartfelt condolence messages to consider, you may feel that sending a card simply isn’t right at the moment. This could be because you know the family would prefer something else, or it may be that you are struggling to find words you feel comfortable with. Regardless of why you feel this way, you are entitled to feel how you do.
Sending flowers is a traditional alternative and gives you the option to include messages if you so wish. Others prefer to contribute directly by making memorial donations or charitable donations if the family has expressed this as their wish. Another approach is to send comfort gifts such as food, a book, or something that you know may be able to make the recipient smile, no matter how briefly, given everything that is happening in their life right now.
We hope that our guide has provided you with some sense of support, perhaps even guidance, at a time when it’s understandable if you’re not sure of what to do and how to proceed. Sometimes, all it takes to reach out and convey a message is to know that doing so won’t unwittingly cause offence or greater upset when the recipient is already struggling. We hope that we have shown you some ways you may consider doing this that you feel comfortable with.
At times like these, it’s natural to also start reflecting on your own life and the legacy you will leave behind for your loved ones. This is why we want you to know that, when you feel emotionally ready, we are always available to guide you through our *prepaid funeral plans and other services. You may find that taking steps to put your affairs in order while you are alive helps provide you with real peace of mind. We also have a useful guide where we *compare funeral plans that may help you to understand your options.
As always, there is never an ounce of pressure from our side — we know that times like these are already difficult enough. Instead, we take a step back, give you the time and space to process the events that have just occurred, and promise to be here whenever you are ready to talk. We feel it’s the least we can do.
*Terms and conditions apply. You will receive a funeral plan summary before purchase.
Write a short, sincere message, then close with a warm sign-off such as ‘With deepest sympathy’ or ‘Thinking of you’, followed by your name. If you’re close to the person, ‘With love’ is fine.
Acknowledge the loss, offer comfort and, if you can, share a memory of the person who’s died. You might write: ‘I was so sorry to hear about your dad. He was always so kind. I’m thinking of you.’
Ideally within a week or two of hearing the news. If that’s not possible, send it whenever you can, because it’s never too late.
No. A card sent weeks or months later can be a real comfort. You could start with ‘I’m sorry this is a little late, but I’ve been thinking of you.’
Use ‘love’ if you’re close to the person, and ‘sincerely’ or ‘with sincere sympathy’ if you’re not.
Use the name of the person who’s died, share a specific memory, or mention something you admired about them. Small details make a message feel heartfelt.
Yes. A card is a lovely way to show support if you can’t be there, and you can mention that you’re thinking of them on the day.
Yes. Even if you’re grieving too, a card can say what’s hard to put into words face to face.