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9 minute read
Funeral tastes in the UK have been moving further and further away from the traditional norm. This has been shown through a big rise in the presence of death doulas at our side during our final moments.
But what is a death doula, and why are more British people relying on them for guidance at the end of their lives? In this article, we will answer these questions and many more.
A ‘death doula’, also known as an ‘end-of-life doula’ or ‘soul midwife’, is like a midwife who provides support to those who are dying, comforting them as their death occurs, and taking them by the hand through it. Instead of guiding a soul into the world, they help the souls of the dying to leave it in peace. With that being said, anyone, regardless of their gender, can do good work as a death doula.
As death doula Alua Arthur said in an interview with the Guardian, the practice is “very ancient, because as long as humans have been living, they’ve been dying”. The word ‘doula’ actually comes from the Ancient Greek ‘doulē’, which means ‘female slave’. These women would’ve helped the wives of their masters in many different ways, including when they were giving birth.
But the modern idea comes from the 1970s US ‘Natural Birth’ movement, which pioneered alternatives to hospital birth, like water and home birth. The same people who led that movement are now turning their attention to death, and are aiming to share their skills at the other end of life’s journey.
Death doulas offer an uplifting mix of emotional and spiritual support, combined with assistance in practical matters. Sometimes people feel that these elements of death-support are not given enough attention by medical professionals, who are understandably busy with other matters. Death doulas step in to fill this gap.
When someone is dying, they may be facing an especially difficult time. Apart from the obvious burden of death itself, the fact that life is drawing to a close can also force other anxieties and worries to the surface. Even talking about dying itself can be difficult: perhaps a secret that someone has kept for their whole life now needs to be shared, or maybe they have religious questions that they’d like to discuss, but feel they can’t with family members.
Death doulas use their empathy to recognise these worries, and aim to relieve them. They can help to facilitate conversation between the dying person and their family, as well as to help them to make peace with themselves. A death doula also makes sure that any relevant religious observances are made, following the request of the dying person.
Now that the UK is less religious than ever before, death doulas are increasingly important for providing the support that religious communities would have done in times gone by.
Death doulas don’t just provide emotional or spiritual support; they also lend a hand in practical matters. Even if someone is dying, it doesn’t mean that all of the day-to-day stuff in their life takes a break. Dogs still need to be walked, plants still need to be watered, admin still needs to be done. A death doula can take some of the pressure off of the dying person, sparing them from distraction by tedious matters during what could be an important spiritual process.
If you’re interested in training as a death doula, or are curious about what someone goes through in order to become one, there are a number of different courses and qualifications available.
Doula training courses have a number of different elements which are designed to shape the key qualities of empathy, genuineness and acceptance. These are not qualities that everyone can demonstrate easily, and can require thorough training to develop.
A typical death doula training course might have group classes, as well as homework assignments, a portfolio of work, and a learning journal. There will likely be a self-reflection element of the course too. It all goes towards developing new death doulas as empathetic, caring people who know how to listen and to help you talk.
Organisations like Living Well Dying Well offer training to aspiring death doulas, like former Green MP, Caroline Lucas. She recently announced an intention to leave politics in order to become an end-of-life doula, showing that the idea is gaining traction.
There aren’t any specific legal requirements relating to death-doula certification in the UK. However, there are organisations, both in the UK and the wider world, that aim to increase and promote ethical and professional standards for practising death doulas.
End of Life Doula UK is a membership organisation in the UK for death doulas, helping them with their training needs. It also aims to set industry standards. The International End-of-Life Doula Association is a similar organisation promoting death-doula values and standards, based in the US.
Death doulas can do their good work in a variety of different places. If you’re looking for the services of one, don’t worry: whether at home, in hospital, a care-home or a hospice, a death doula will be able to be with you there.
A death doula will gladly come to assist a dying person at home, whether because they are confined there through illness, or because that’s where they feel most comfortable. Doulas are also there to offer a hand in practical matters, so can tend to tasks around the home, if needed by the dying person.
End-of-life doulas do a lot of their most important work in hospitals and hospices, where they can help people to find meaning in mortality, and to make sense of their remaining time. Hospitals and hospices can be upsetting places, both for the dying person, as well as their family. And that can make it tough to feel comfortable enough to talk through the things that are weighing on them. That’s where the positive listening skills and empathy of the soul midwife begin to shine.
They will work alongside medical staff, and even faith figures, to help the dying person be comfortable with death, and with the life they’ve lived, as they gently exit this world.
A big priority for those working as death doulas is to promote healthy conversations about death, and to help us all to open up about it. For this reason, they can also be found in community centres and local support groups, helping ordinary people to talk through some of their questions and anxieties.
One of the principles guiding the work of a death doula is to be non-judgemental. They will always bring an open mind to conversations with the families that they are there to help, even on subjects like assisted dying.
At the moment, across the UK, assisted dying is illegal. Depending on where you are in the UK, it could even be illegal to help someone to travel to a country, such as the Netherlands, where it is legal; in England and Wales, even that could be considered a criminal offence, whereas in Scotland, judges have had a more open view.
A death doula will certainly help a dying person to express themselves on this issue, and to have a conversation around it, but they will need to remain within the bounds of the law.
In parts of the world where the practice is legal, such as Hawaii, death doulas will talk their clients through their options, including the possibility of assisted dying, as well as palliative care. Just because someone wants to discuss it, it doesn’t mean that they will try to do it, or even that they want to do it – they may simply be curious, which is perfectly natural.
Death doulas can achieve powerful things through conversation, and discussing assisted dying with someone who is dying can even lead to a strengthened will to live in situations where before they had no hope.
Each doula is different, so which one could work for you will depend on how well your personalities match.
Much like any situation where you’re hiring someone, you should try to get a sense of their experience. It could also be worthwhile to ask questions which will help you to understand what kind of person they are, and what motivates them. Here are some questions you could ask to a possible death doula:
These questions will give you a general sense of what you can expect from any doula, how much you’ll need to pay them, and whether they will be compatible with you. Be prepared to answer some questions from them, as doulas themselves also need to know if you’ll be compatible with them.
You can find people offering their death-doula services in the UK by heading to directories like End of Life Doula UK (linked above). Local hospices and hospitals can also point you in the right direction.
We hope you found this article useful. We at Aura know that this can be a bit of a difficult subject to talk about with friends and family, so if there’s anything at all that we can do to assist you – on the subject of death doulas or anything else – we’re just a phone call away. We’d be delighted to hear from you.
